Monday, December 31, 2007

Cupcakes and Rootbeer

There once was a little boy who wanted to meet God. He knew it was a long trip to where God lived, so he packed his suitcase with cupcakes, several cans of root beer and started on his journey.

When he had gone about three blocks, he saw an elderly woman. She was sitting on a park bench watching the pigeons. The boy sat down next to her and opened his suitcase. He was about to take a drink from his root beer when he noticed the lady looked hungry so he offered her a cupcake. She gratefully accepted and smiled at him.

Her smile was so wonderful that he wanted to see it again, so he offered a root beer as well. Once again she smiled at him. The boy was delighted!

They sat there all afternoon eating and smiling without saying a word.

As it began to grow dark, the boy realized how tired he was and wanted to go home. He got up to leave but before he had gone no more than a few steps, he turned around and ran back to the old woman, giving her a big hug. She gave him her biggest smile ever.

When the boy arrived home his Mother was surprised by the look of joy on his face. She asked, What has made you so happy today He replied, I had lunch with God. Before his mother could respond he added, You know what She’s got the most beautiful smile in the whole world!

Meanwhile, the old woman, also radiant with joy, returned to her home. Her son was stunned by the look of peace on her face. He asked, Mother, what has made you so happy today She replied, I ate cupcakes in the park with God. And before her son could reply, she added, You know, he is much younger than I expected.

Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring; all of which have the potential to turn a life around.

People come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Take no one for granted and embrace all equally with joy!

Touchy feely': Article by Chetan Bhagat

I remember the incident - I was in a restaurant, and one girl in our group was especially charming. So I, like any other male, tried to put on a wooing act. You know the routine, a nanosecond extra eye contact, a few more nods to whatever she says, and attempts to throw in those one-liners which you know you wouldn't if she weren't there. And it seemed to be working. She leaned forward when she spoke to me, and every now and again, we'd have a small conversation of our own, separate from our group. She laughed at my approach with the fork and knife, and I teased her about her hair band, which had little teddy bears. Yes, we were flirting. A while later, she asked me the question what did I study? I said engineering, without any particular meaning attached to it. And then like a cold metal rail, she went stiff.
My jokes weren't funny any more. Her eyes wandered to everyone else.
What was it?
Why? Why? Why?
Two days later, I still couldn't get over my great start that had dissipated listlessly upon mentioning my education. Engineer? What was wrong with that? My mom had wanted me to become one since I was five! I had to call her. 'So what happened to you that day, hot and cold, missie?' And then she said, trying to be nice, 'Well, it's just that I am skeptical about engineers as friends. I don't know, they can be, you know, very logical and everything...not very touchy feely'.
Not touchy-feely. Now what the heck did that mean? Well, she obviously did not mean it literally, since girls don't really suggest that sort of stuff, certainly not in the first meeting across the table. I guessed it was something to do with feelings, sort of having an emotional side. The stereotype being, the nerdy guy who sees relationships like laws of physics, to whom love is just a bunch of chemicals going crazy in your brain, and getting to know a person means obtaining their bio-data.
It's time to set the record straight.
It's true that a lot of what engineers study (and they end up studying quite a lot), has to do with formulae, laws and numbers. No matter how hard we try, some of the vocabulary we read all day gets into our language. So when my mother said, 'Are you getting married next year or not?' I was liable to say, 'Well, at this moment in time, the probability is relatively low,' and felt it was completely normal to say it. And when my sister went sari shopping and couldn't explain the shade she wanted, I told the shopkeeper the percentages of pink, orange and red in the sari.
Yet, ladies, I don't think we're bad at relationships, love and getting to know people. We too, can be touchy-feely, as that is part of our education as well. The reason for this is that most engineering students live in the ultimate educator - boy's hostels. Now, let me explain how this plays into this 'touchy-feely' thing. Relationships. Imagine eating, sleeping, brushing your teeth, bathing (ok rarely this one) and partying with the same people all the time. So, when you are kicking that bathroom door down for the tenth time, or when you stand in line for 'gulab-jamuns' in the mess, and when you are done with the vodka bottle and sharing all your secrets, you know it is good practice. Yes, hostels maketh the man.
So, next time you are in a flirtatious situation with the techno types, go on, flirt a bit more. Of course, I am biased towards my kind, but if you find the conversation turning too geeky, just ask them, 'So, what were your hostel days like?' and chances are, you'll see a heart behind the calculator. Coming back to my missie, I thought of what would make me win her over. Flowers... too cheesy. Music... don't know her taste (nor trust mine). Teddy bears... don't even go there.
Desperate for some good lines, I just turned it right back at her. 'Yes, I know what you are saying about engineers. The thing is, unless people with depth like you start hanging out with us, we won't get any better. Can you meet me some time for some touchy/feely... oops, I mean coffee/tea?'
She giggled. When they giggle, you have won.

Thursday, December 27, 2007

For friends forever

Is pal pe likhta hoon choti si ek kavita..

Yaad aayega sabko ke ek saal me kya-kya bita..

Ek acchaa job mil jaye sabke dil me thi yeh aas..

Bande jaate the walk-in me ban-than ke ekdum jhakaas..

Hamesha dhoonda karte koi ladki hain kya aas-paas..

Roz kiya karte the wo apti,C, Unix ya koi aur bakwaas..

Par nothing can beat the 'Analysis of Algorithms' ka trash !!!

Har walk in mein socha karte ke job mil jaye aaj..

Kal nahi soya to kya hua so jaaunga main job mil jane ke baad..

Har ek round k results ke liye kitne hote hum bekaraar..

Din bhar tension me karte results ka intezaar..

Sabka dil diya karta tha bas yehi ek pukaar..

Ke is baar to ho jaye apni naiyya paar !!!

Yaad hain mujhe kuch mere wo khushnaseeb yaar..

Jinka roz hua karta walk-in me sweet-sweet pyaar..

Duniya se chupte-chupate roz karte dil ka izhaar..

Aur poocha to kehte ' We're just friends yaar ' !!!

Aakhir aa hi gayi hum sab ki bichadne ki baari..

Koi gaya MNC me to kisi ne shaadi karke jindagi savari..

Sab kaam pe lag gaye ek-ek..baari-baari..

Bas reh gayi apni yaadein khatti-meethi pyaari-pyaari !!!

Ab bhi yaad aati hain mujhe wo " Results out " ki pukaar..

Dil me hain jo baat keh deta hoon ek baar..

Tum jahan bhi ho doston..yaad aaoge baar baar..

'Kabhi Honda chalaya kya?'

One day there was a Bihari going in a Fiat Car at 45KMPH on a high way and enjoying his drive. Suddenly a Sardaji came Booiiiiiiiiinnnnnnn on a Honda and peeped into the car and shouted at the Bihari - 'Kabhi Honda chalaya kya?' and sped off....

The Bihari was surprised but he did not bother. After some time the Sardarji came Booiiiinnnnnnnnnn... in the opposite direction, peeped into the car

and shouted again ' kabhi honda chalaya kya?' and sped off, This time the Bihari was annoyed , since the sardar was teasing about his driving. After some time again the Sardar came back speeding and said the same thing peeping into the car . The Bihari was about to say something but the Sardar sped off.

This time the Bihari increased his speed but suddenly stopped as he found the Sardar lying on t

the road, bleeding. He got down and mocked at the sardar ' Kyon Sardarji , Kabhi Honda Chalaye kya?'
The sardar said ' Wohi to puch raha tha , Brakes kahaan hain dhoond raha tha'!!

Thursday, December 20, 2007

The Perfect Kill

It was late in the evening when I entered Howrah Station .It was teeming with office workers returning home after a typically tiring day at work. I didn’t look forward to the prospect of returning home to my husband. The love between us had died years ago. Our marriage had been transformed into a dead corpse buried deep beneath a pile of painful memories. The bits and pieces of pleasure I derived from my daily existence were my only source of sustenance. My husband had accused me of being mentally deranged. But only I know better. He should have thought of a better reason than that to get rid of me.
I hauled my self into a train standing nearby. Finding a seat lying vacant I gleefully slid into it. After having exhausted myself at work securing a place to ease my legs was a welcome relief. The scene inside the train was disquieting. The train being the last one on that particular route, it wasn’t long before the compartment was bursting to the full with people. They jostled and fought with each other in a desperate attempt to keep from falling off.
June is the hottest month in Kolkata; it’s when the when the summers are at the peak of their torment. The sweltering heat conspired with the intolerable humidity to beat the lives out of the commuters. The stench from the garbage rotting on the rail tracks combined with the nauseating smell of human sweat to pervade the whole atmosphere. I felt like vomiting. I subconsciously swallowed the spittle that formed in my throat. In despair, I stared up at the ceiling for comfort. A solitary fan hung up there in a state of eternal rest, hideously shrouded in spider webs. I closed my eyes in a bid to rest my mind. Slowly I allowed myself to fall into a labored slumber.
When I awoke the train had traveled far into the countryside. The seat next to mine was occupied by a pretty nymphet. She had a concerned look on her face. The object of her anxiety was seated right opposite to us. He was the most loathsome, horrid specimen of mankind I had ever seen. He evidently appeared to be a village goon of some reputation. His bloodshot eyes were planted firmly on the girl. She squirmed uncomfortably in her seat under his leering looks. The redness of his eyes was indicative of the fact that he had soaked himself in liquor far exceeding socially acceptable limits.
The girl’s nervousness was infectious. I looked around the compartment. It was completely vacant except for the three of us. I began to grow uneasy. The girl pressed my hand and held up a piece of newspaper for my inspection. She pointed towards a front-page news report. It was on a sensational serial killer who had been haunting Kolkatans for the past couple of weeks. Six young girls had been murdered in different parts of the city. They were discovered with their throats brutally slit open. The killings had been executed with such meticulous efficiency that the murder scenes were totally devoid of any clues. The police were baffled. The report went on to draw parallels with the legendary ‘Stoneman’ who had terrorized Calcutta in early the 90’s and whose identity was yet to be ascertained. The report was undeniably scary and chilling to the bone.
The girl had visibly paled. She motioned with her eyes indicating to me that she considered the man sitting opposite to be a prime suspect. The girl was badly scared and I must admit I was pretty worried myself. Suddenly the train slowed as it approached an oncoming station. I was contemplating the feasibility of getting off the train, well before my intended destination, when the man himself stood up. To my utter surprise and immense joy he hopped off the train as it came to a screeching halt. The girl looked at me and both of us let out a huge sigh of relief. The tension having been released, she began to giggle. I caught up with her silly laughter and soon both of us were laughing away in abandon.
With a rude jerk the train started moving. Soon it was speeding across vast open countryside at a furious pace. Her jangled nerves having been calmed, the girl had begun to doze in her seat. As I looked at her I wondered just how naïve and unsuspecting young girls can be. I slipped my hand inside my handbag and firmly gripped the kitchen knife I always carried. I felt a strange numbness in my fingers but it had to be done. Besides she had an exceedingly beautiful neck. Such a pity!

God Does Exist

A man went to a barber shop to have his hair and his beard cut as always.

He started to have a good conversation with the barber who attended him. They talked about so many things and various subjects. suddenly, they touched the subject of God.

The barber said: “Look man, I don’t believe that God exists as you say so.”

Why do you say that?” - asked the client.

Well, it’s so easy, you just have to go out in the street to realize that God does not exist. Oh, tell me, if God existed, would there be so many sick people? Would there be abandoned children? If God existed, there would be no suffering nor pain. I can’t think of a God who permits all of these things.”

The client stopped for a moment thinking but he didn’t want to respond so as to prevent an argument. The barber finished his job and the client went out of the shop. Just after he left the barber shop he saw a man in the street with a long hair and beard (it seems that it had been a long time since he had his cut and he looked so untidy).

Then the client again entered the barber shop and he said to the barber: know what? Barbers do not exist.”

“How come they don’t exist?”-asked the barber. “Well I am here and I am a barber.”

“No!” - the client exclaimed. “They don’t exist because if they did there would be no people with long hair and beard like that man who walks in the street.”

“Ah, barbers do exist, what happens is that people do not come to me.”

“Exactly!”- affirmed the client. “That’s the point. GOD does exist, what happens is people don’t go to Him and do not look for Him that’s why there’s so much pain and suffering in the world.”

See the guts

On a ship, the Project managers of three diff companies belonging to 3 different nations were traveling with their Trainee guys. They started an argument on whose Trainee engineer had more guts.

The American PM called for one of his men and told him to jump off and take a round swimming around the moving ship. The Trainee did as he was commanded. The American PM boasted of by saying, “See the guts!”

Now the German PM called out for one of his men and asked him to take two similar rounds around the moving ship. The Trainee did as he was told. When he came back from the water the German PM said, “See the guts!”

Now the Indian PM called out for his most Courageous man And asked him to take five similar rounds. The Trainee promptly replied, “Tere baap ka naukar hoon kya??? “The PM proudly said, “See the guts!” ;-))

GLASS OF MILK

One day, a poor boy who was selling goods from door to door to pay his way through school, found he had only one thin dime left, and he was hungry.

He decided he would ask for a meal at the next house. However, he lost his nerve when a lovely young woman opened the door.

Instead of a meal he asked for a drink of water. She thought he looked hungry so brought him a large glass of milk.



He drank it very slowly, and then asked, "How much do I owe you?"

"You don't owe me anything," she replied. "Mother has taught us never to accept pay for a kindness."

He said ... "Then I thank you from the bottom of my heart."

As Howard Kelly left that house, he not only felt stronger physically, but his faith in God and man was strong also. He had been ready to give up and quit..

Many year's later that same young woman became critically ill. The local doctors were baffled. They finally sent her to the big city, where they called in specialists to study her rare disease.

Dr. Howard Kelly was called in for the consultation. When he heard the name of the town she came from, a strange light filled his eyes.

Immediately he rose and went down the hall of the hospital to her room. Dressed in his doctor's gown he went in to see her. He recognized her at once.

He went back to the consultation room determined to do his best to save her life. From that day he gave special attention to her case.

After a long struggle, the battle was won.

Dr. Kelly requested the business office to pass the final bill to him for approval. He looked at it, then wrote something on the edge and the bill was sent to her room.



She feared to open it, for she was sure it would take the rest of her life to pay for it all.



Finally she looked, and something caught her attention on the side of the bill.



She read these words .. "Paid in full with one glass of milk"

(Signed) Dr. Howard Kelly.

Tears of joy flooded her eyes as her happy heart prayed: "Thank You God, that Your love has spread broad through human hearts and hands."

There's a saying which goes something like this: Bread cast on the waters comes back to you. The good deed you do today may benefit you or someone you love at the least expected time. If you never see the deed again at least you will have made the world a better place - And, after all, isn't that what life is all about?!

Now you have two choices.

1. You can send this page on and spread a positive message.

2. Or ignore it and pretend it never touched your heart

The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which -- To burn...

Friday, December 7, 2007

Always Pay Attention...

First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet School were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In vet medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body. For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students . The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."

THE FACTS YOU SHOULD KNOW

1. Coca-Cola was originally green.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
2. The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
3. The name of all the continents ends with the same letter that they start with.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
4. The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
5. There are two credit cards for every person in the United States .
----------------------------------------------------------------------
6. TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters
only on one row of the keyboard.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
7. Women blink nearly twice as much as men!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
8. You can't kill yourself by holding your breath..
----------------------------------------------------------------------
9. It is impossible to lick your elbow.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
10. People say "Bless you" when you sneeze because when you
Sneeze, your heart stops for a millisecond.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
11. It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
12. The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the
toughest tongue twister in the English language.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
13. If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to
Suppress a sneeze; you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck
and die.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
14. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents great king from
History. "Spades" - King David; "Clubs" - Alexander the Great;
" Hearts" - Charlemagne; "Diamonds" - Julius Caesar.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
15. 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
---------------------------------------------------------------------
16. If a statue of a warrior on a horse has both front legs
in the air, the person died in battle. If the
horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle.
If the horse has a all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural
causes.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
17 What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and
laser printers all have in common?
Ans. - All invented by women.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
18. Honey - This is the only food that doesn't spoil.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
19. A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
20. A snail can sleep for three years.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
21. All polar bears are left handed.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
22. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive
from each salad served in first-class.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
23. Butterflies taste with their feet.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
24. Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
25. In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
26. On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
27. Shakespeare invented the word 'assassination' and 'bump'.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
28. Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
29. The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
30. The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
31. The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the
body to squirt blood 30 feet.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
32. Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over
million descendants.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
33. Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in
your ear by 700 times.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
34. The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
35. Most lipstick contains fish scales.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
36. Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different
---------------------------------------------------------------------
37. And finally 99% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow

Something You should Know

1. Coca-Cola was originally green.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
2. The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
3. The name of all the continents ends with the same letter that they start with.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
4. The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
5. There are two credit cards for every person in the United States .
----------------------------------------------------------------------
6. TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters
only on one row of the keyboard.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
7. Women blink nearly twice as much as men!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
8. You can't kill yourself by holding your breath..
----------------------------------------------------------------------
9. It is impossible to lick your elbow.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
10. People say "Bless you" when you sneeze because when you
Sneeze, your heart stops for a millisecond.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
11. It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
12. The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the
toughest tongue twister in the English language.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
13. If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to
Suppress a sneeze; you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck
and die.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
14. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents great king from
History. "Spades" - King David; "Clubs" - Alexander the Great;
" Hearts" - Charlemagne; "Diamonds" - Julius Caesar.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
15. 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
---------------------------------------------------------------------
16. If a statue of a warrior on a horse has both front legs
in the air, the person died in battle. If the
horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle.
If the horse has a all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural
causes.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
17 What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and
laser printers all have in common?
Ans. - All invented by women.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
18. Honey - This is the only food that doesn't spoil.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
19. A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
20. A snail can sleep for three years.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
21. All polar bears are left handed.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
22. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive
from each salad served in first-class.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
23. Butterflies taste with their feet.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
24. Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
25. In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
26. On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
27. Shakespeare invented the word 'assassination' and 'bump'.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
28. Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
29. The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
30. The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
31. The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the
body to squirt blood 30 feet.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
32. Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over
million descendants.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
33. Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in
your ear by 700 times.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
34. The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
35. Most lipstick contains fish scales.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
36. Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different
---------------------------------------------------------------------
37. And finally 99% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow

World's Easiest Quiz

116 years

2) Which country makes Panama hats?
Ecuador

3) From which animal do we get cat gut?
Sheep and Horses
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
November

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
Squirrel fur

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
Dogs

7) What was King George VI's first name?
Albert

8) What color is a purple finch?
Crimson

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
New Zealand

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?
Orange (of course)

Thursday, December 6, 2007

Good Moral Story

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he

thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach
her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem. The Doctor
told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to
give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from
her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears
you.
If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and s o on until you get a
response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was
in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see
what happens."
Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"

No response.

So the husband moves to closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his
wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his

wife and asks, Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again he gets no response so,

He walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's
for dinner?"

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

;

;

;

;

;

;

;

;

;

;

;

;

;

;

;

;

"James, for the FIFTH time I've said, CHICKEN!"

Moral of the story:
The problem may not be with the other one as we always think,
could be very much within us..!

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Enthusiastic Salesman

A new vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on the door on the first house of the street. A tall lady answered the door.Before she could speak, the enthusiastic salesman barged into the living room and opened a big black plastic bag and poured all the cow droppings onto the carpet.
" Madam, if I could not clean this up with the use of this newpowerful vacuum cleaner, I will EAT all this s...!" exclaimed theeager salesman."Do you need chilli sauce or ketchup with that?" asked the lady. The bewildered salesman asked, " Why, madam?""There's no electricity in the house..." said the lady




MORAL: Gather All resources be4 working on any project...!! !

THE ANT AND THE CONTACT LENS

(True story by Josh and Karen Zarandona)

Brenda was a young woman who was invited to go rock climbing.
Although she was scared to death, she went with her group To a
tremendous granite cliff. In spite of her fear, she put on the gear,
took a hold on the rope, and started up the face of that Rock. Well, she
got to a ledge where she could take a breather. As she was hanging on
there, the safety rope snapped against Brenda's eye and knocked out her
contact lens. Well, here she is on a rock ledge, with hundreds of feet
below her and hundreds Of feet above her. Of course, she looked and
looked and looked, hoping it had landed on the ledge, but it just wasn't
there. Here She was, far from home, her sight now blurry. She was
desperate and began to get upset, so she prayed to the Lord to help her
To find it. When she got to the top, a friend examined her eye and her
clothing for the lens, but there was no contact lens to be
Found. She sat down, despondent, with the rest of the party,
waiting for the rest of them to make it up the face of the cliff. She
Looked out across range after range of mountains thinking of that Bible
verse that says: "The eyes of the Lord run to and fro Throughout the
whole earth." She thought, "Lord, You can see all these mountains. You
know every stone and leaf, and You know Exactly where my contact lens
is. Please help me."
Finally, they walked down the trail to the bottom. At the bottom
there was a new party of climbers just starting up the face of the
cliff.
One of them shouted out, "Hey, you guys! Anybody lose a contact
lens?" Well, that would be startling enough, but you know why the
Climber saw it? An ant was moving slowly across the face of the rock,
carrying it.

Brenda told me that her father is a cartoonist. When she told
him the incredible story of the ant, the prayer, and the contact lens,
he Drew a picture of an ant lugging that contact lens with the words,
"Lord, I don't know why You want me to carry this thing. I can't eat it,
And it's awfully heavy. But if this is what You want me to do, I'll
carry it for You." I think it would probably do some of us good to
Occasionally say, "God, I don't know why you want me to carry this load.
I can see no good in it and it's awfully heavy. But, if you want Me to
carry it, I will."

God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.

Hunting License

A sardar went hunting one day in Ontario and bagged three ducks. He
put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home
when he was confronted by an honorary game warden who didn't like
sardars.

The game warden ordered the sardar to show his hunting license, and
the sardar pulled out a valid Ontario hunting license. The game warden
looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the
ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, "This duck ain't from Ontario. This
is a Quebec duck. You got a Quebec huntin' license, boy?" The sardar
reached into his wallet and produced a Quebec hunting license.

The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second
duck, sniffed its butt, and said "This ain't no Quebec duck. This
duck's from Manitoba. You got a Manitoba license?" The sardar reached
into his wallet and produced a Manitoba hunting license.

The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its
butt, and said, "This ain't no Manitoba duck. This here duck's from
Nova Scotia. You got a Nova Scotia huntin' license?" Again the sardar
reached into his wallet and brought out a Nova Scotia hunting license.

The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled
at the sardar "Just where the hell are you from?" The sardar smiled
turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, "You tell me,
you're the expert .".

Sweets at my desk...

Subha Utha, Nahaya ..Mast Deo Lagaya...
Usko Yaad Kiya Aur Muskuraya...

Muskurahat Ka Karan Tha , Kya Sapna Liya Tha Raat Ko
Main Company Ka Ceo Aur My Dream Girl Was My Pmo.

Mann To Kiyan So Jaon, Swapn Ki Duniya Mein Laut Jaun...
Phir Socha Uski Jhalak Paani Hain Office Mein, Kahin Late Na Ho Jaun...

Goggles Lagaya Style Mein, Sutta Niptaya,
Bike Kiya Self Start, Accelerater Maara

Pahooncha Office...Card Swipe Kara..
Khola Pc ...Lotus Notes Top Par Mail Uska Paaya...

Mailbox Dekh Sanatta Chaya..
Uska Mail Ka Subject Humien Na Bhaya..

Ek Baar Phir Kiya Mail Ka Subject Check
Oh No ..Not Again..Same Words..."Sweets At My Desk"

Darte Darte Khola Mail...Andar Wedding Invitation Paaya...
Lo Bhaiya Lut Gayee Duniya...Mandraya Kala Saaya...

Dukhi Mann Se Socha ...Chalo Ek Baar Contents To Padd Le..
Naam Kya Hai Ladke Ka...Details Se Rubaru To Ho Le...

Phir Ek Baar Mann Chakkar Khaya...Uska Naam Kahin Naa Paaya..
Mail Ka Phir Se Audit Kiya...Dil Ko Ncr Report Acha Aaya...

Mail Ke Subject Se Achi Mail Ke Body Nikli..
Jiski Shaadi Thi ..Woh To Uski Sister Nikli...

Bhujti Hui Low Phir Phadphadai...
Ek Umeed Jaagi..Asha Ki Ek Kiran Nazar Aayee.

Josh Bhare Kadmon Se Rukh Kiya Uske Cubicle Ki Aur...
Ab Sirf Uskee Jhalak Nahin ..Yeh Dil Maange More..

Aaj Tak Cubicle Ki Diwaron Se Dekha Tha Usko..
Dekhte Hee Usne Bola ..Lo Dear, Sweets Lo..

Humne Suna "Dear" , Humne Kaha Ab No Fear.
Kiya Jhuki Aankhon Se Usko Stare, Uthaya Sweats Ka Apna Share..

"Dear" Shabd Kitna Acha Lagne Laga Tha....
Uske Aur Mere Beech Ka Loc Ab Mitne Laga Tha...

Baton Hi Baton Mein Usko Bataya Mail Padke Hua Confusion Tha
Reply Jo Bataya Usne, Phir Se Chida Kargil Tha..

Phir Se Low Bhuj Gayee Thi, Umeed Mit Gayee Thi ....
Uski Sagai Ki Mail To Ek Hafte Pahle Bounce Back Ho Chuki Thi...

Maa Kasam Ek Hi Gaana Yaad Aa Raha Tha Cham Se...
Kasam Ki Kasam , Yeh Pyaar Na Hoga Ab Humse...

O Haseeno Sun Lo Meri Iltaaja,
Please Mat Hona Humse Khafa,
Kuch Bhi Ho Jaaye Ab Na Hoga Adjust,
Ab Mat Daalna Mail With Subject "Sweets At My Desk"

49-O in Constitution of India

Did you know that there is a system in our constitution, as per the 1969 act, in section " 49-O" that a person can go to the polling booth, confirm his identity, get his finger marked and convey the presiding election officer that he doesn't want to vote anyone!

Yes such a feature is available, but obviously these seemingly notorious leaders have never disclosed it.
This is called "49-O".
Why should you go and say " I VOTE NOBODY"... because, in a ward, if a candidate wins, say by 123 votes, and that
particular ward has received "49-O" votes more than 123, then that polling will be cancelled and will have to be re-polled. Not only that, but
the candidature of the contestants will be removed and they cannot contest the re-polling, since people had already expressed their decision on them. This would bring fear into parties and hence look for genuine candidates for their parties for election. This would change the way; of our whole political system... it is seemingly surprising why the election commission has not revealed such a feature to the public....

Please spread this news to as many as you know...
Seems to be a wonderful weapon against corrupt parties in India ... show your power, expressing your desire not to
vote for
anybody, is even more powerful than voting... so don't miss your chance. So either vote, or vote not to vote (vote 49-O) and pass this info on...

Use your voting right for a better INDIA

a ZEHAR: Deadly PJ..zabardast

Bade dino k baad zabardast Deadly PJ
...



CAN YOU SOLVE THE MATRIX??????


Q. Below is a 2 BY 2 matrix.

(remember jo jeeta wahi sikander song ....)

[ pehla nasha pehla khumar , ????????? ]

[ ???????? , ???????? ]




The element in the 1st row, 1st column is 'pehla nasha pehla khumar'.

Can you tell me the values of other 3 elements of this matrix?



Forgot Arrays ?? try try
JJJ.......



.

.
.
.
.

.
.
.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.

































Ans:



The complete matrix is as shown below:



[pehla nasha pehla khumar , pehla nasha dusara khumar]

[dusara nasha pehla khumar , dusara nasha dusara khumar ]

Arz kiya hai...

Kitni Azziyat Say Uss Ne Mujh Ko Bhulaaya Hoga...
Meri Yadoon Ne Ussay Khoob Rulaaya Hoga..

Baat Be-Baat Aankh Uss Ki Jo Chhalkee Hogi.......
Uss Ne Chehre Ko Baazuon Main Chupaaya Hoga...

Socha Ho Ga Uss Ne Din Main Kaee Baar Mujhay.......
Naam Hatheli Par Bhi Likh Likh Kay Mitaaya Hoga...

Jahan Uss Nay Mera Zikkr Suna Hoga Kisi Say..
Uss Ki Aankhon Main Koi Aansoo Tou Aaya Hoga..

Raat Ke Bheetnay Tak Neend Na Aai Hogi Tujhay........
Tunay Takkiye Ko Bhi Seenay Se Lagaaya Hoga..

Hokay preshan Meri Yadoon Se Tunay Jane.........
Meri Tasveer Pe Sar Apna Tikaaya Hoga......

Kitni Azziyat Say Uss Ne Mujh Ko Bhulaaya Hoga...
Meri Yadoon Ne Ussay Khoob Rulaaya Hoga……………………..

Top 9 Funniest Newspaper Classifieds

(Actual excerpts from classified sections of city newspapers)

1. Illiterate? Write today for free help.
(man....if only I knew A B C....)

2. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once; you'll never go anywhere again.
(sure...thanx for the warning!)

3. 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
(in months or years?)

4. Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.
(check it out)

5. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
(howwww sweeeet)

6. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
(wow! A free trip to heaven?)

7. Tired of cleaning yourself. Let me do it. (uh...huh!)

8. Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
(hey....who taught cows the bad habit??)

9. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
(nice work!)

UR PERSONALITY CHECK

There is a very, very tall coconut tree, and there are 4 animals:

King Kong, Ape, Orangutan and a Monkey pass
ing by.


They have a competition to see who is the fastest to
climb & get the banana.



Who do you guess will win?

Trust me your answer will reflect your personality. Try and answer within 30 seconds

Got your answer? Scroll down to see the analysis.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
If your answer is
any of these ....


Orangutan = dull/stupid


Ape = foolish


Monkey = idiot



King Kong = stupid



Why?????


Coconut tree, doesn't have bananas..... ....!!


Obviously you're stressed and overworked. Take some time off and relax!!
!

Appraisal and Resignation

A newly joined trainee engineer asks his boss "what is the meaning of appraisal?"

Boss: "Do you know the meaning of resignation?"

Trainee: "Yes I do"

Boss: "So let me make you understand what a appraisal is by comparing it with resignation"

Comparison study: Appraisal and Resignation

Appraisal

Resignation

In appraisal meeting they will speak only about your weakness, errors and failures.

In resignation meeting they will speak only about your strengths, past achievements and success.

In appraisal you may need to cry and beg for even 10% hike.

In resignation you can easily demand (or get even without asking) more than 50-60% hike.

During appraisal, they will deny promotion saying you didn't meet the expectation, you don't have leadership qualities, and you had several drawbacks in our objective/goal.

During resignation, they will say you are the core member of team; you are the vision of the company how can you go, you have to take the project in shoulder and lead your juniors to success.

There is 90% chance for not getting any significant incentives after appraisal.

There is 90% chance of getting immediate hike after you put the resignation

Who's Intelligent???

A Proof of which Gender is Intelligent

An English professor wrote the words:

"A woman without her man is nothing" on the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly..

All of the males in the class wrote :

"A woman, without her man, is nothing."

All the females in the class wrote :

"A woman: without her, man is nothing."

Punctuation is powerful!!

Monday, November 19, 2007

WHY DO WOMEN WALK BEHIND..???

A reporter who did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan,
several years before the Afghan conflict noted then that women
customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.



She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still
walk behind their husbands.



She approached one of the Afghan women and asked:
" Why do you now seem happy with the old custom that you once
tried so desperately to change ? "



The woman looked her in the eyes and without hesitation, said:

" Landmines ! "

"The Husband will get it first"


Moral of the story : Behind every man is a damn smart woman !