Ten years has past since I came to know Osho and meditation for the first time.I always expect that by meditation one day a miracle will happen,I could go beyond the ordinary world and fly freely in the vast sky.But by and by I find the real miracle is walking on the earth,and the real meditation can only flower in the ordinary and common world……
When I read Osho's books I found the word "growth",I thought the word was good.It is a progressive and humble word,it set the direction of my future.
Then my growth started.First I read many Osho's books and gathered a lot of knowledge about meditation,and this made me different from the so-called worldly people.After I practised meditation for a long time and growing with the commune,I became very much powerful and confident,I began to look down upon the unworldly poeple who only speak but never take action.
After I left the commune for the south of China,my concept on growth was still the growth of power.One day I got some new knowledge and it inspired me,I felt I was like a soldier,I needed to fight bravely.The next day I shared it to other friends,but I found their attitude was negative.So I complained that why everybody only spoke but never act.And one friend got angry,I suddenly became aware that I was not here to offend anybody,it was not my purpose.So I apologized for it and the friend said:"Certainly many people can not manage it,but what they need is understanding and encourgement,not condemnation and judgement."By this experience I realized that the growth of power and the growth of mind is simultaneous,when I thought I had changed,it had already put me into the old track.The power can be misused,the foundation and the direction of the growth are more important!
At that time I was trying to connect with all kinds of Osho's lovers.But before I called some people,I hesitated.One is a teacher,he teaches Osho meditations but known as a corrupt businessman.And others are members of the commune I used to stay,they left before me and our relationship were always in tension.Then I felt it was so funny that I was afraid that I may be corrupted by them.Where was my power and confidence?They should be afraid to be corrupted by my meditativeness and love!So I invited them and fianlly we sat together.I was very happy to see that they could sit together and discuss something,though they have different standpoints.It is certainly something to be celebrated!
On this march Osho commune internationl set up a meditation center in mainland China.I joined the party and I found the price for meditation was very much expensive and the way the teacher taught was not so effective.At first I felt a little disappointed,then I found it was because of my own conditionings.The way the teacher teaches does not fit me,but it doesn't meant it will not fit others.And what is wrong to be expensive and running in a bussiness way?It simply showed my attitude behind it:the way I have learned is the best way and I am not a businessman.Rather than including more and more,I go on isolating myself from the outside world.Hence the fear,the protection and the conflict.
Suddenly a sense of responsibility arose from inside:I must be responsible for all the corruption becasue I choose to grow.My growth contributes to the corruption,somebody is grwoing and somebody is bound to be corrupting.And the growth is false,because the corruption is still inside myself,I just hide it.For example,everyone is in search for things as money,sex and power,and everybody do it in a secret or deceptive way.But it is a fact,it is simply human!And we do meditation in order to ignore them,in other words,to make us inhuman!This is sheer nonsense.
There is a girl who is in favor of Tantra.Once she talked with me,she said:"If you invite girls you meet in the name of Tantra,will they be pleased?"I said:"Damn it!Why make it so sacred?Why not simply say that would you like to make love with me?"She was shocked and said:"Yes,you are right.It's a pity to do the sex matter in the name of Tantra."I said:"Then have you ever thought to do Tantra in the name of sex?"She was at a loss.
From then on I was more and more at-east with things which I do not like even feel disgusting before,an understanding started emerging.It is not that "I understand you",but "whatsoever I see inside you,it is also inside myself."Once a friend asked me:"Do you also have things corruptly inside yourself?"I said:"Yes,otherwise how could I know you have them.I can not see things which I don't have."He said:"But why can't I feel you have them?I always feel that you are pure and innocent."I said:"To be innocent does not mean you do not have them,but you are at-ease with them.
Meanwhile I felt a sense of humor,it is so powerful that I can play any role in any drama.There are beggars in the street I lived.They would beg on their knees,and there is a bowl and a paper of instruction about a sad story in front of them.Their faces looked very heavy and some passerby will throw some money in the bowl.One day I passed and I thought I could do something!I just kneeled down and began to cry loudly and sadly,soon many many people gathered and the bowl was full of money.Then I stopped and stood up,thanked to everyone and threw a coin into the bowl.I could not describe people's faces especially the beggars' at that time,it is really something!Why begging is always sad and heavy,it can be hilarious also!
The real growth bgeins with corruption!